The Pandemic Pant

The Pandemic Pant returns to the spring lineup. Back by loathed demand, and sponsored by Doritos, this classic is literally timeless. As in, all recollections of sanity and personal grooming will be sucked into the void of something called a “distant past.”

Available in Melancholy Gray, Cobweb Light Gray, and an all-new tone, December Sky Medium Gray, these pants bring new meaning to the word comfort. That meaning is hideous, but it is undeniably new and undeniably a meaning, and that’s the bargain these lightweight polyester/cotton sweats strike with your lower half.

Do you have a better offer?

Whether you like sitting in a desk chairs, or draping yourself over railings, lifeless with boredom, the Pandemic Pant obliges. These nighttime, daytime, anytime sweats are nothing if not worryingly complacent. With a drawstring tie that lost its elasticity shortly after the toilet paper shortage but before the second impeachment, you can count on these sweats to hold snug in the place where you are, have been, and apparently forever will be.

Impervious to odor because they are already made of mostly odor, these are the perfect pants whether you’re waving at the propane delivery man through the living room windows, or ugly crying during a Zoom meeting.

Don’t be seen in anything less this spring. Wear them to illegal street parties in Prague, deep in your favorite bunker, or on the lawless beaches of Florida.

To ensure an authentic sense of Pandemic-style chaos and frustration, sizing is randomized during packing. Should you eat endlessly or diet? Like the future of mankind, impossible to say. And anyway, what’s the difference? All bets are off. Conversely, and much to your detriment, the Pandemic Pant never comes off.